Some days having Pony being away is a nice break to be myself, or more specifically allowing me to 'revert' back to the ole me who used to live alone, was alone and had the entire house to myself, to be myself, to do the things that I want to do without being consciously aware that there is someone else around.
There are days when I am no longer able to be contented to just be alone, and suddenly I find myself missing something as I am driving to the shops, only to realise that I had forgotten to put my engagement ring on that morning.
Then there are days when I know that no matter how much I enjoy my 'me' time and space to myself, my life will never be the same again for my life is no longer just mine but integrated with Pony's.
On those days, it amazes me how intense my feelings are for Pony: the thoughts of us sharing our lives together, of creating memories and laying the foundation of our history, of us writing each and every page of our lives together no matter how mundane and trival each and every little detail may be.
I always wonder about my feelings for Pony. Am I giving my all, am I shortchanging him? Am I loving him enough? I always compare the feelings that I have for Pony against those that I once had for AC. While I know clearly that the feelings that I have for the two of them are incomparable, I still cannot help but wonder if I've given my all to Pony, just as I had before to AC.
That being said, I also know distinctively how different Pony's love and AC's love is for me. I also know that I love them both differently too. Nevertheless I wonder. I wonder why I could love with so much and so little logic with AC and yet I could not do so with Pony. Back then I would have gladly and willing uprooted myself in a heart's beat for AC but here I am now battling with my own internal struggles about uprooting myself for Pony.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone? I think I have just lost the entire point of writing this entry.
Indecent exposure - Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2009
In good hands - Tuesday, Sept. 15, 2009
St3v3n - Thursday, Sept. 10, 2009
Extended weekend getaway - Friday, Sept. 04, 2009
Twiddle dee dee - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2009