I have been told a lot of things... and one of the things is to write it all down, what I am feeling, what I have learnt (if any) and whatever else that comes to mind. Yet my mind is a blank... not entirely a total blank, but more stumped. For the first time in my life, I do not have any words to write about AC.
His parents and sisters are holding a memorial for him this coming Tuesday (13/12/2011). I will be going.
There are so many thoughts running through my head. Some related to AC, others to my dearest Pony and how this new development is going to change and affect us, our relationship, our marriage.
I have spoken to some, hoping to gain an insight, hoping to get some guidance as to how I should proceed with all that I am currently experiencing and feeling: sadness and grief over AC's passing; guilt towards Pony for crying over another man who is not my husband; anger at myself for even feeling this way, for allowing myself to cry, for allowing my heart to be broken once again for the final time by the man I'd loved so dearly, so insanely, so much so that I would have given up my life for him just to be with him; confusion over all that I'm feeling.
Am I simply grieving for what could have been, the dreams and hopes that I have had for us so long ago, or is it something deeper?
Could it be that all this time I'd never ever stop loving AC, which is why I feel a constant guilt throughout my entire relationship with Pony, right from the very start. Does it explain the constant self-questioning: Am I short-changing Pony. Knowing that I haven't been able to give my all to anyone ever since AC, but refused to admit to it?
How many seasons have it been? - Saturday, May. 29, 2021
Au revoir mon AC - Friday, Nov. 23, 2012
Gifts From The Past - Friday, Sept. 28, 2012
The one with the moustach - Wednesday, Aug. 08, 2012
There are no words left - Friday, Dec. 09, 2011